You're so vain. You probably think this world is about YOU

Disclaimer: If you’re the type of person that gets offended this will probably offend you so please stop reading………..……and please stop being so offended all the gosh darn time! I hold you personally accountable if you continue.

Do you ever remember jokes or comments that you thought up as a kid that seemed so funny to you at the time but now you are a little embarrassed at how simple and stupid they were? You know that you are the only person on the planet that remembers them but you are little embarrassed nonetheless.

I remember back when I was in church, as a kid, with my chair leaned back against the wall (like ya did when you were too cool for Sunday school). During class I would try my hardest to think of something witty that would impress my friends (Sunday school teachers just love this compulsion for validation in boys I’m sure).

I have no idea why this memory popped into my head but I recall on more than one occasion asking my Sunday school teacher…

“Sooo…were Adam and Eve like Neanderthals cuz weren’t they the first people?” (Spoken like a seasoned class clown).

….Yeah that’s it. I know it’s not even really a joke is it? (But consider that you didn’t get to witness the delivery). I just thought it was hilarious for some reason. The teacher showed us pictures of a Ken and Barbie couple wearing classy cuts of animal skin hanging out in a garden. Wouldn’t it just be killer funny -thought my immature brain- to imagine Eve as a thugly cavewoman and not a hot blonde? I think my best friend even laughed but in hindsight a well executed fart noise may have stirred the crowd up some more. Boys will be boys.

I’m sure I had seen a National Geographic special on evolution and I probably felt cool that I even knew what a Neanderthal was ( It was a cool ass way of saying caveman that’s what it was!).

As a child you are given pieces of information on different subjects. There are of course many large holes in the picture that are sometimes deliberately left open (such as why or how daddy goes about putting that baby in mommy). It is your job to ask “Why why why why why why why….” To fill in the holes, like my adorable 4 yr old son does (and I never get bored of answering :) ).

It’s interesting how and from where your knowledge gets filled in as you grow. As a kid I knew that National Geographic seemed to know what’s been happening with people right up until the time that they became beautiful -and started living on a freshly mowed tropical golf course where whales unfortunately have very little wiggle room in the small resort ponds- but after that point my Sunday school teachers seemed to know where things were going as far as purpose and all that.



It seemed very important to remember that the whole Adam and Eve thing is where it started. That’s the line god drew when he decided that people are going to start mattering from here on out. Maybe everything before that just existed as a means to genetically grow some awesome bodies from scratch to be inhabited by Adam and his trophy wife just like in the movie Avatar. Who am I to say why things were done that way. It was like 6,000 years ago wasn’t it?

One very cool thing about the LDS religion is that it is very liberal or open minded in regards to the little details. Many Christian faiths do not allow themselves this sort of flexibility in interpretation which I think is a little unfortunate because they have to convince themselves that the Grand Canyon was created just a few thousand years ago. I know of many LDS members who have accommodated scientific discoveries about evolution into their faith with ease. I think there are also many others who feel that there is always something sinister brewing within the bubbling beakers of Godless scientists and we should probably not spend as much time paying attention to their hypothesizesezs as we should spend reading our scriptures.

For an LDS member an appeal to authority is not a good problem solver for the evolution discussion because there have been some Presidents of the church proclaim that evolution is evil garbage and others who are open to the possibility that god brings about his purposes through natural processes. If both President Joseph Fielding Smith and President Mckay (who had very differing feelings on the matter) were still alive maybe they could arm wrestle to decide the winner on this one. After all the hassle I think the LDS church has pretty much decided that what has happened on the Earth for millions of years before we showed up has little to do with our salvation and is not very important in the whole scheme of things.

Connecting these loose ends together about history, religion, and origins can be difficult for any person that’s really serious about figuring it all out. By it I mean THE IT; The unanswerable answer to life the universe and everything (42); The ultimate explanation that nobody will ever really know for sure about until after they take the one-way ferry ride across the river Styx...or you know…..…just….die.

When I start thinking about this amazing planet and why the hell I’m here there’s one question in the literal sea of questions (okay figurative sea) that keeps nagging at me…

“How do I even know that it’s all about me?”

Let me explain because I thought I’d thought about this but I don’t think I ever really did in any depth until recently. Actually I just read a novel titled Ishmael that brings this stuff up. It was a very thought provoking read.

There is one overarching theme in regards to the purpose of our existence that both Academia and religion seem to agree on and that is that nothing started mattering until roughly 6,000 years ago. This is when history began (or at least important history) which is maybe why everything before that time is referred to as Pre-history. When we think about our origins we always choose this as our starting place. This might be because we don’t know too many details about what people (or hominids) were like before then.

But we DO have some significant information about that time. We know that there were definitely bigger chunkier versions of ourselves extending back a long time before 4000 BC. By a long time I mean a LOOONG time. Right now the scientific community is drawing the line between primate and hominid around 5-7 million years ago (It’s wise to give yourselves a few million years flexibility in these things). But either way take a moment to absorb the contrast in timetables; 6,000 years and 5 million years. Our massive history extending all the way back to Samaria (or wherever) is just a dot compared to the long timeline that covers the progression of our species from monkey-man to agriculturalist.



When did they start being like us I wonder? When did they start feeling real feelings? When did they stop acting like animals and began to really observe their environment and culture in a way like ourselves? It’s hard to even pin down what attributes separate us from other animals. It seems like we are more capable of seeing the big picture and planning ahead in a way most animals can’t. We seem to understand concepts and ideas in much greater depth and we can talk about them (of course that is all just based on our perspective).

What is really the biggest difference between the “us” that began 6,000 years ago and the “us” that existed before that, the “us” that acted more like an animal?

I think one of the biggest differences is that we came to the conclusion that this whole creation was all about us. The whole friggin thing is ours. All the creatures and resources of this Earth are here as gifts to help us realize our destiny. It’s easier to understand why a cow was made for us more than a deep sea Angler fish but there’s got to be a reason why the Angler fish belongs to us as well (If not just to inspire awesome Sci-Fi monsters) right?

It seems like there could almost be a law that exists in nature that all creatures follow in which they are all allowed to compete for resources but never go so far as to hunt out and destroy all of their competition, but we are the first species to challenge that law. There seems to be a mutual respect and balance that exists in the natural world. If you have watched The Lion King recently Mufasa has expounded greatly on this issue.

This idea could be totally off base and over-idealized as well. Who says it’s not natural to ensure the survival of your species by any means possible? It seems like even viruses just want to live and multiply, but their time becomes limited as their resources for survival diminish.

The difference between the new “us” (4000 BC-->)and the old us (<-- 4000BC) is one of ideology. The new us is convinced that our species is the only one that should have no limits to its growth; That our species should have control over all the earth’s resources. We are convinced that the earth should bend to our will because it belongs to us. We are its stewards. God grew us like seeds in a garden over millions of years and we are the long-awaited fruit. Everything else is going to the compost heap.

If the earth was a micro-organism and you could observe it from a distance under a microscope how would you make sense of the growth and domination of one species over the entire organism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population_estimates) So we’re at a point where we are expected to add a billion humans to our population within 20 years. That number is just going to shrink exponentially). It used to take hundreds or thousands of years to double our small population. Soon we will be doubling that already massive number (6 billion) every 10-15 years. As you saw this growth in this population what would you think would be the motivation of those tiny humans and why wouldn’t they understand that the whole thing only really works in a state of balance? If anyone gets too selfish it all eventually falls apart (at least for the humans).

Well we know what our motivation is. We understand that we are fulfilling our purpose. Up until us I doubt any other creature thought there was any other purpose to their existence other than rejoicing that they were alive to experience something incredible. I don’t think they were concerned (or capable of being concerned) with the big picture, only with being happy.

I think fear also plays a role in our motivation to control. We are afraid that we might somehow be grouped in the same category as all the other ignorant forms of life on the planet and we know we are more special. We are also afraid that we are going to disappear in as insignificant a way as they seem to. We are afraid to die and we will do whatever it takes to become immortal.

Please don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not saying anything extreme about reverting to the wilderness to reclaim the glorious life of a caveman. I am not saying anything about who or what should live or die. All I am pointing out is what is. For good or bad, God’s will or not, this is our current situation.

This attitude absolutely does exist throughout most of humanity. It does not matter if you believe in god or not. There is an underlying foundational belief that we have the right to make all the decisions concerning the future of this earth. We have the right to position ourselves as the main beneficiaries of all of those decisions at the cost of any other living thing. Either that privilege was gifted to us from god or because we got smarter faster than anything else did. We are the most important. That is a perceived right that we will never willingly relinquish.

It does not take a genius to understand that this mentality is not sustainable. It may seem like it is a good enough game plan to span the existence of your family and your family’s family for a few generations to come but eventually the complications will snowball into something bad for mankind. I guess we just hope that by that time we’ve become smart enough to handle any curve balls thrown at us because of our tampering. Perhaps that will be the Star Trek phase of our growth.

Anyway, let me revert back to the original question.

“Is it really all about us?”….Really? When we see an ant crawling on the ground do we really think that the ant's existence really has something to do with us? Is it there to entertain us? To bite us? Is it's importance defined only in relation to ourselves? Does the life of a fish at the bottom of the ocean, that is totally unobserved by humans, still have its own purpose and significance or are fish just filler for the majority (71%) of the earth that doesn't have people running around? Why did God bother with anything that cannot be appreciated by us?

Are we certain that this is even the attitude that God would want us to have? Are we certain about the literalness of having dominion over all creatures and resources?

I don’t have any answers because it’s hard to imagine things being any different from how they are now. All creatures want to survive and we are the ones smart enough to ensure our security above all others, but we know we can’t continue like this indefinitely. Perhaps we will just keep going on until everything is so screwed up that god has to shake this planet like an etch-a-sketch or perhaps our species will eventually just destroy itself while some lower species continue to do their thing until we eventually get some higher forms of intelligence who might make better decisions.

Thoughts?

Do you trust your dentist? by Chris

So I have a complicated relationship with my dentist. When I first walked into his office I saw a sign hanging on the wall that reads: We cater to cowards. Now that is my type of dentist! When you sit down you are given a pair of sunglasses which is certainly so that the cute nurse won’t see the look of terror in your eyes when you see the cane-sized needle come out on that shiny metal tray.

I always had to remind my previous dentist that I needed an extra dose of anesthetic because I have a unique condition where it doesn’t work on me quite as well as normal people. He seemed to think you should give a patient one dose until they get a zap and then you can give them a second after a tear rolls down their cheek. I was willing to be numb enough to swallow my tongue if it meant I didn’t have to feel a thing when it was drill time. In fact I am in favor of being put out totally for my dental work. Now why isn’t that an option yet?

My new dentist has an amazing gift. I honestly don’t feel a thing, not even a pinch when that needle disappears into my gums. He is very arrogant but it is a type of arrogance that is very reassuring. When your dentist removes a crown placed there by someone else, sneers at the shape of the tooth underneath, and points out the flaws of the previous dentist’s technique to his nurse you feel you are in good hands.

He wields his drill with the confidence and speed of an old western gunslinger and smiles down at his completed artistry. He needs no pat on his back because you can tell that he is very aware of his standard of quality.

“Wow!” Says the nurse (possibly prompted to make such remarks),” That looks better than what I saw demonstrated in school. You are the king of root canals Dr.”

(sigh of agreement from the dentist)

So, obviously I like him and I like his work but here is the flip side. He can’t stand the site of an old-school metal filling. He is determined to remove all metal from my mouth and replace it with beautiful state of the art tooth-colored resin (or whatever it is). He blabs on about how the new stuff doesn’t contract and expand because of temperature and it is not carcinogenic like the old metal fillings, but I can see in his eyes that he is just disgusted at seeing anything in one of his patient’s mouths that looks old and clunky. He wants my mouth to be Lexus or Mercedes quality when I am fine with a Camry level of dental work.

How do you really know if replacing a filling is the best choice? A tooth tends to die when it has gone through too much trauma. Is it better to have an old rusty filling that seems to be doing its job satisfactorily, or a nice tight new filling that soon makes the tooth die and need a root canal? I doubt he would say that is the case but it doesn’t seem like a coincidence that my wife and I are needing lots of root canals lately.

I received my first root canal just a few weeks ago and now the tooth right next to the last one is starting to ache the same way. I question if the decay he planted there at my last visit has taken hold (please see attached Eddie Izzard video).

So what type of dentist is better, The car mechanic dentist that tells you every little thing that you need to fix as though it’s all going to fall apart if you don’t do it right away or the dentist that understands you don’t always need to launch a preemptive attack against every dental concern until there is actually a real concern.

If I were filthy rich I would just have all of my teeth replaced with beautiful porcelain veneers, but I’m not. I can only handle one small thing at a time.

I have been giving in to pressure and getting all the work done that he recommends and it has been damn expensive. I have one more crown until I have my Mercedes mouth but now all these root canals are coming up and I feel like I’ll never get my teeth in perfect condition.

I don’t know if I really trust him but he’s fast and very good at what he does. Does anybody else face this sort of dilemma?

I decided to attach my two favorite comedy bits on Dentistry. Eddie Izzard is my all-time favorite comedian. I almost cry every time I watch this. Be aware that there is some language at about 3:20. You might want to just watch up until that point. Bill Cosby’s bit on Dentistry should be in the comedy Hall of Fame. It is classic stuff. Please enjoy.

My first post in months... don't expect anything great.

So if you had been an angel silently taking notes at our house this morning. This is what you would have written down to take back and report to the big guy.

Shannon: “Come on, everybody! Let’s go. If we don’t leave now we’ll have to sit on the hard chairs.”

Up until this time Chris had been helping the kids get their coats on and had thought that we would be skipping sacrament meeting and just going to the last two hours as usual.

Chris: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re going to Sacrament meeting? Why?! It’s hard enough to space out for two hours. I can’t do it for three!”

Shannon: “Yeah Chris, we’re going. Come on. It’s been a long time since we’ve been to the full three hours.”

Chris: “Yeah, there’s a reason for that. No, I’m not going. I’ll stay home with one of the kids—“

Topher: “—Yay!! I get to stay home with Daddy!!”

Shannon: “No, we’re all going. Come on, Chris. I have to go at least once a month to remember why I don’t like going. It makes it easier to justify not going the other weeks.”

So we went, although Chris conveniently “forgot” the bag containing the lesson manual and had to go back home for it after dropping me and the kids off. The question is, do we get positive points for attending, or negative points for our attitudes? And are angels really silent notes taking? I guess that question is irrelevant since now I’m not-so-silently posting our grievances on our public blog. Just trying to make the angel’s job a little easier.