The other day one of my really close friends was expressing his complete and utter disdain for an individual that he considers "cheap." I know the object of his disdain fairly well and as far as I can tell this was the individual's only quirk. Aside from his frugality he is a really nice, funny, and caring guy. It kind of bothered me that my friend could not look past that single trait and get to know this individual for the great guy that he is. I asked him about it, explaining that everyone has their quirks: I can be fickle and overindulgent (to name just two), his wife, I pointed out, won't ever make a decision, and Chris can sometimes be a little self centered. Why is it that he can forgive us these quirks and still be our friend but the act of being frugal results in an automatic black listing. To which he replied, "I don't know, It's just not something I can get passed."
At first his answer seemed completely unreasonable, but it got me thinking if there are any character traits that I find unforgivable. And I realized that there is... over confidence in women. I'm saying confident to be fair but the truth is that when I'm around a confident woman I'm really thinking that she is arrogant and conceited. And that is so wrong, because when I'm around a confident man I'm impressed by his confidence and find it a turn on. If he's down right arrogant, I might find it annoying but still a little adorable. I know...HUGE double standard, and from me a former femanista. So then I had to ask myself if I rather someone show false modesty, and the truth is yes I would. I guess I reason that even if I suspect their display of modesty is false in a way they're saying that even though they think they're all that, they at least recognize that maybe not everyone else feels the same. (Unless of course they're just looking for even more validation to their wonderfulness, then that's just sickening.)
At first I thought this was a huge sign of how emotionally immature I am, but it's not that I'm intimidate around successful women. It's not a jealousy thing either. I have some amazing female friends, women that are beautiful, talented, smart, kind, and witty. It's just the act of being cocky (specifically from women) that I find repulsive. At the first sign of arrogance a barrier goes up that will usually prevent us from ever being more than just casual acquaintances.
So I guess that's why we all get to choose who we want to be friends with. I'll no longer pressure my friend to be buddy buddy with a cheapskate.What traits are your deal breakers, and/or are you guilty of having any double standards? Spill it!!
We Know Better
1 week ago
9 comments:
I was thinking about this the other day. There is a lady in my ward that the first time I talked to her she complained about how bad the hospital I am going to give birth was. She had a friend who had a complicated delivery and she basically blamed the hospital and doctors for it, but it sounded to me like she would have gotten the same treatment anywhere, she just had an awful labor and delivery, like sometimes happens. It wasn't anyone's fault. Since then I've put up a wall. I can't seem to get past that she thinks that this hospital is such a bad place and that the private hospital is so much better. I've had to do some ward projects with her since then and I've tried to let that go, but every time I've been around her I get so annoyed about anything negative that she says. I don't even have to be her friend, just being around her makes me cringe a little. So I guess a deal breaker for me is I don't like it when people are negative about things especially if its something that I don't agree with.
As far as a double standard, I know that I have a few friends that I met under odd circumstance and if I had met them under normal circumstances I would have found them annoying or whatever their trait may be, but for some reason that circumstance made it so they were okay to befriend. Why do we do that?
Fascinating subject...lessee. I can be pretty forgiving of arrogance actually. I love it when people think for themselves and are confident about their opinions. Those are the people who I find very interesting. For me the deal breaker is the person who can talk about themselves and their genius ideas for ever without ever asking an opinion or comment from me. One-sided conversationalists take the cake for me. I can't stand them. I hate it when I have a comment and I am literally waiting for this person to take a breath. The fact is that we are all selfish and I think most everyone wants to feel like others are interested in them. Even if people aren't interesting it's courteous to listen to them and give them oppurtunity to express themselves.
I have to agree....I hate cheapskates, liars and braggarts. But I think that the biggest deal breaker for me would be someone who did not respect my opinions and expected me to endorse theirs.
I have actually ended friendships over political differences. I can not tolerate someone who disrespects me or others for my beliefs.
Hmmm...well, first, let me say that I am glad that I am insecure so we can be friends. :) I knew my low self-esteem would work for me someday. Oh, I think I'm funny. The one thing that is a deabreaker for me is someone who picks and chooses who they are nice to. I hate it when someone has a group of friends they are awesome around, but then put them around someone else and they treat them like dirt. I hate it when their friends say,"They are so cool. You just have to get to know them." Well, if you act like a dick around me or anyone else, I can only assume that is the true you. I know, weird, and some people are just shy. But if you aren't at least socially polite to every person and treat them as human beings, then we are through. Whew. I feel better.
I hate myself for feeling like it's my place to judge when someone is being themselves and when they are trying too hard to be something they're not. How do I really know that they're trying to be someone they're not, and even if they are, who am I of all people to judge that kind of insecurity? It especially bugs me when gay guys go out of their way to say "honey" or act flamey or whatever because they think that's who they're supposed to be. I have several gay coworkers, some of whom I consider awesome friends and some of whom I hate. Some of them are pretty manly, some are pretty flamey, and neither of those things bugs me in and of itself. But when I think that I detect someone ACTING gayer (or, for that matter, trying to act butcher) than they naturally are, that's what really drives me insane. Anyway, it's not just the homos who bug me when they're trying to be someone they're not, but it seems to get to me a LOT worse than when a straight person puts on an act. That's a double standard I guess, too, isn't it?!
How about people who refuse to defer to experts. I can't stand it when someone tells me their thoughts on learning a language or education, I correct them, and yet they still disagree with me. I'm not giving you my opinion, I'm telling you the way it is. I think because people have gone to school they think they understand how education should work. That's fine and all, but I wouldn't say that having had my wisdom teeth pulled out now qualifies me for performing dental surgery. If someone is an expert on the matter they probably know a lot more than you do. Please don't contradict them.
Also, I don't care for people who automatically assume that I'm on the same page as them and proceed to bad-talk a group of people or an ideology. More often than not, you're going to stick your foot in your mouth if you start talking smack about, for example gays, only to find out that the person you're talking to is a homosexual. Please don't assume that I hate all the same things you do.
Finally, people who hit each other. I guess it's mostly guys who do this. If you hit me, it better be really funny. Otherwise, please keep your hands off me.
Great, thought-provoking post! I wish I could be as thoughtful as you. I'll give it a try. I hate it when people think their children are perfect. How many perfect children can there be, afterall I've got three of them :)! I don't mind hearing about their children's accomplishments or the cute things they do because I think parents should be proud of their kids. What I don't like is when there is a problem during a playdate or at a playground and one of the kids parents refuses to see that their child was in the wrong, when so clearly they were in some way. Or when parents are oblivious to the obvious bad and disrespectful behavior of their kids. I also do not tolerate tardiness very well. I think it would be hard for me to be friends with someone who was always late!
Hmmm, Chris, that sounds like several family members I could mention...
Anyway, I think there are two things that really turn me off, mainly with girls. The first is when someone is insincerely friendly. They act all sweet and gushy like you're they're best friend whenever they meet you, but they have no actual interest in really getting to know you. It comes across very condescending to me, like you're trying to make me feel better about myself even though I'm not worthy of your true friendship (are my insecurities showing enough?).
The other is when people only talk about themselves, whether they are people you've just met, or people you've known forever. They just blab on all about themselves (usually waayyyy oversharing) and never bother to ask you a question about how you feel or what you've been up to lately. Read some Dale Carnegie, people!
oh my gosh, where do I start? You, of all people, know all of my petty dislikes and bi-polaresque rageaholic episodes over small things like..swallowing too loudly, or excessive sneezing:) (I was rereading my mission journal today..what in the hell was I always so angry about?) Anyway, this kind of correlates with your thing..I hate women who think they are 'sassy' or 'fiesty' and will openly label themselves as such. I usually find them to be tedious. Other dealbreakers include: people who are smug (especially about their political views), people who are really cheap tippers, people that are too busy taking pictures of themselves having 'fun'for their myspace or blog that they dont actually seem to have fun, sanctimonious vegetarians, excessive cell phone talkers, etc...
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